Sex work and Boundaries

Finding your boundaries as a sex worker

You are hot shit. You are amazing. You are now taking control of what you want to do with your body and it feels damn good. Now let’s keep that feeling and not let other things prevent you from feeling so empowered. Sure, maybe you’ve explored and lived quite a bit before you started working as a sex worker so you know where some limits are, but then there are so many inquiries that you may have never even heard of and will have to look up. What do you do? Try it out and take the money? Or say no thank you to something you don’t understand and forget about the string of acronyms you can barely attribute to words let alone a service?  Luckily there is a better way, so let's take a look at establishing those boundaries. Whilst it may be a lot to consider and ponder, I’ll group a few things together into categories.

Boundaries around services

Every sex worker is unique and different. Your personality and what you offer sets you apart. Consider what you are comfortable with doing with others. This may change from client to client and even day to day. Some days, I wake up and definitely do not feel like I want to be a Mommy Domme but more of a high school bully and that is all right. We are fluid individuals, but do establish a basis of the things you enjoy doing. From there you can veer off and discover new things that can be added to this list, but the core items are what bring you joy and you feel confident in doing. Whatever it is, you are never obligated to do anything you do not want to. This can encompass your clothing or lack thereof, access to parts of your body and physical activities.

Boundaries around time

Your time is precious. Everyone has a finite amount of time in life and how you allow others to use it can easily backfire on you. You’ve taken charge of your body, now take charge of your time aka charge for your time! Do not be swayed by those who are wishy washy and cannot make up their mind. Just because you do not have a 9-5 job does not mean that you are not working by the hour. If you were to take into consideration the many hours spent communicating with clients, battling punitive social media policy to keep your accounts live or driving to meet a client - would you be satisfied with your hourly rate?

Factor in your work hours. You get to set your own work schedule. If you are working from the minute you wake up to the minute you fall asleep and are neglecting your own wellbeing in between and not having any time to eat, consider whether you’d work for a boss that asked you to do that (with no benefits!). Be kind to yourself, your mental health is definitely a factor to consider in the longevity of your career as a sex worker. Do not burn yourself out because you’ll end up eating your own time in the future.

Boundaries around money

What amount of money would make you feel good about the services that you offer? What amount of money do you feel you deserve for the work that you do? The beauty of the sex industry is that you get to price yourself. Establish your own rates and raise them when you want. If people cannot afford you, it is not your problem to solve. Some will not be able to afford you and others send a deposit without issue and will tip you on top of that. Hold true to yourself and you’ll attract those who respect your rates and not haggle.

Do not let the money sway your other boundaries as well. If you do not offer a service, do not be tempted by the money to bend your boundaries. It will feel awful to feel as though you can be bought and  clients will  feel as though they can continually push your boundaries. You have the power here; you make the rules.

Boundaries around clients

By clearly communicating who you are and what you offer you will attract the clients you want to keep. Of course there are and will always be the stragglers who won't align with what you're about, fret not – you are a hot commodity. Whilst it may be flattering and, again, the money may be tempting, by saying no to the clients who are not right for you, you are making space for the right ones. Even if a client has been your regular and now is asking for something different or more of you which you do not wish to give, once a client no longer aligns you are definitely not obligated to continue that relationship.

Every individual has the ability to shape their own reality. As a sex worker, you have full autonomy over who, what and when you desire to do it. The freedom to do as you please and with whomever you choose to allow into your space. The interactions should leave you feeling energized, elated and full of appreciation. If they leave you feeling drained and exhausted, then it is time to refocus and reconsider what your boundaries are. Boundaries are set so that you can sustainably do the things you love with the people you choose to.